Farther Along...

Today has been a mix of emotions for me. I am always very thankful for July 5th because it's the day that GOD made me a big sister. I was blessed 30 years ago to stare through the glass at a round faced little baby, knowing that she was coming home with us to play with me and I was super excited. Since then, it's been a wonderful roller coaster of lessons and life and love and I'm very happy to have spent the weekend celebrating Brittney and everything she means to our family.

But I would be remiss if I didn't spend some time putting pen to paper regarding the sadness that has caught me a little off guard on this day for the past 3 years. Many of you know that David and I worked really hard to have Blake and used a form of fertility medicine to conceive him. About 6 months before we finally got pregnant with him, however, we lost a baby. I was 8 weeks into the journey and the baby just stopped growing. There was no heart beat to be found, and in fact they were unable to find a sac of any kind after a certain point. It was the hardest most painful loss that I have ever experienced as an adult.

Today would have been Shelby's 3rd birthday. She would have shared her special day with her Aunt Bb. And while I know that God's timing is NEVER wrong, NEVER late, NEVER early, it's hard to not be frustrated, sad, upset, angry, disappointed that HIS plan was simply not what I had in mind. Things did not go the way I wanted them to.

And yet here I am with 2 beautiful, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, special children that are learning and growing and making me proud every day. I have many things to be thankful for. Many reasons to feel blessed. To know that my CREATOR has a plan for me. And while i try to rest in those promises, today, July 5th, is always peppered with a few tears, some deep breathing, and a box of tissues. I allow myself those moments because I know that some day I'll understand why.

This song has always been one of my favorites. It comforts me in times when I want to raise my hands in frustration and anger. Tonight it has provided me a sense of peace when our loss as a family seemed closer than it does at other times of the year.

"Cheer up, my brother. Live in the sunshine. We'll understand it all by and by."